As a child, and sometimes even later in life, you subconsciously develop ways to deal with trauma. These are known as coping or survival mechanisms. At their core, these behaviors always have a positive intention. They kept you safe during times when your system was overwhelmed by physical or emotional danger. As you move through life, you often subconsciously continue to apply the same behaviors in new situations.
Survival mechanisms can take many forms. They can generally be categorized into four main types:
- Fight: struggling to let go, manipulating, exercising control, persuading, resisting, overthinking, feeling easily attacked, anger, inflating your image, putting yourself down.
- Flight: being in your head, not feeling, rationalizing, disconnecting, physically leaving, superficiality, addictive behavior, avoiding, denying, victim mentality.
- Fawning: self-neglect, dependency, over-helping, rescuing others, perfectionism, adapting, not setting boundaries, suppressing personal needs, false hope, heightened alertness.
- Freeze: dissociation, memory loss
You’ll likely recognize some of these in yourself, and perhaps you can think of many more. The first three categories share the common trait that you subconsciously try to influence a situation to gain control over it. Freezing is the only option left when you realize you're powerless.
Why do we all develop different survival mechanisms? First, there is a genetic component at play. Second, we have the ability to learn, and we train ourselves to use certain mechanisms if they have worked for us in the past. The good news is that you can also teach yourself new behaviors!
Survival mechanisms aren't inherently negative. Often, your best qualities have stemmed from them. It's about the "too much"! Doing great work is helpful, but perfectionism can get in your way. And perseverance is a wonderful trait until it prevents you from letting go.
The art is to address the 'too much.' Keep your beautiful qualities, but take a close look at what’s holding you back. In my practice, we'll explore your survival mechanisms together and find ways to transform them.
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